Its day 12 of the apocalypse and I am so sick of this brimstone shit. The smell is really a problem, and it messes with my looting and pillaging. And it makes plundering difficult too. As if I don’t have enough problems.
The apocalypse didn’t start out like you would assume. First, there were environmental and climate disasters. I rode those out fairly well, given my location and access to food and water. Then the biblical crap started up. There was a special broadcast on the public access channel, which shouldn’t have worked by this time due to spotty power availability, but it came on just the same. Pretty much everyone who was still alive and still had a tv or tablet got to see the devil onscreen, bitching up a storm that the disasters weren’t his doing, blah blah blah. I guess humans hurt his feelings by having the audacity to destroy themselves. So, he brought on the brimstone, fires, demons everywhere acting ridiculous. I think they knew I was pretty fucking evil already, so they mostly left me alone. I was hassled by Tannin the one time, I guess he didn’t recognize me. I was dragging a giant bunch of bananas out of a blown in store front. He burned the bananas up, and laughed. I don’t like bananas all that much, but I was planning to use them for trade. “Fuck you,” I half-heartedly yelled while he flew off to annoy some old lady who had fallen in the street. Demons. Such assholes.
Now God has decided to roll the dice in this game too. She came on a couple of days after the devil and boy was she pissed. Seems she took a couple years off – ok more like thirty years off – for a short vacation and as she put it, the shit hit the actual fan. She said she had half a mind to just destroy this shit planet and start over. Instead we have already blown through all the signs of the apocalypse without her. So, as she put it, she is “just gonna rain literal locusts on our ass,” though I’m not sure what exactly that will accomplish. Seems like a pretty weak move on her part. The locusts themselves are kind of sweet, though numerous enough to be very discouraging to most. They part when I go through, and they are pretty tasty when cooked properly. My job does have some advantages.
I know I’m supposed to be gathering followers and what-not, but I decided to see how this thing plays out. If I time this right, I may be able to weather the God vs. Satan storm, and be left with some stragglers and survivors, who should be easy to organize, or just too tired to argue anyway. I mean, I’m the anti-Christ, but I’m not stupid! I know that timing is in fact everything. Once the two old timers have played their hands, then it will be my turn.